Always on the short end of the stick

It makes basketball hard. It makes getting the cookies off of the top shelf even harder. Want to date a tall girl? Forget it, unless you're cool with dealing with Oompa Loompa and "Do you need a step ladder to kiss her" jokes for the rest of your days. There are no mean names for tall people, it's really not fair. While Napoleon had his complex, I doubt Abe Lincoln was bitter about whacking his head on door frames when he walked into rooms. The Vertically Superior have awesome heroes like Andre the Giant (7'4"), Michael Jordan (6'6"), Randy Johnson (6'11") and Kareem (7'2"). Down closer to the earth, call it the short end of the stick, you're not so much looking up to but looking eye to eye with the likes of Muggsy Bogues (5'3"), Earl Boykins (5'5"), Mickey Rooney (5'3") and Betty White (5'1"). That's not a list. That's the cast of a wacky, new reality show on Fox entitled "The Air Down There."

However, a hero may have arrived. He may be the man who will lead the grown-ups shopping in the kids department to glory. He's 5'9" standing on a soapbox, and weighs 180 pounds soaking wet while carrying a small dog. He's also wearing a scowl that says "Don't screw with me" and a t-shirt that says "THE GUN SHOW" on his chest, with arrows pointing in each direction to his biceps.

He's Dustin Pedroia, and although his "guns" might be closer to derringers than they are rifles, he's the best little thing to happen to short people since the invention of the step stool.

Maybe I'm partial to the diminutive Red Sox second baseman because, by chance, we happen to be exactly the same size. But Pedroia isn't willing to let his career be defined by the size of anything other than his heart, which is a cliché so large, it in turn must make him bigger than life. A fantastic contact hitter with plate vision so good he can drive pitchers to "Private Pyle (6'4")"-esque insanity, the kid from Arizona State was one of the two or three most important reasons the Sox won their second World Series in four seasons in '07. And to think, Pedroia had to fight off Alex Cora (6'0") at second to start the season because of a sluggish April.

In sports, you normally have to be three things: Tall, fast and strong. Of course there are blips on the height radar occasionally. Doug Flutie (5'10") is currently the President of the Short People and has been for roughly twenty years, and Pedroia's new division rival David Eckstein (5'7") isn't a slouch either, being a World Series MVP and all. None of those height aberrations are as hilarious as the "overly tall" in sports history though. Shawn Bradley (7'6") was the Great White Joke of the NBA, just edging out "My Giant" Gheorghe Muresan (7'7") and the human toothpick, Manute Bol (7'7") for biggest embarrassment to the height inclined population. Call them the Three Stooges of Tall People. Who are the Three Stooges of Short People you ask? That's easy: the Three Stooges (Larry: 5'4", Moe: 5'4", Curley: 5'5"). If you've ever seen "Rudy" (5'6"), then you know what Pedroia went through to get where he is. Ridicule, jokes, name-calling and never ending under-confidence were as common to Pedroia in high school and college as they are to Senator John Kerry (6'4") today. At Arizona State, he never hit lower than .347, but lost his starting shortstop gig to now Texas Ranger Ian Kinsler (6'0"). Naturally, Pedroia fought back and eventually got his defensive spot back, which prompted Kinsler to transfer to Missou. For you see, there is nothing worse than giving your job up to a smaller, albeit more talented, competitor. Just ask former "Daily Show" host Craig Kilborn (6'5") who ditched his lofty job, only to be replaced by some guy named Jon Stewart (5'7").

You want to talk competitive? How about a fella' so good (Martin Scorcese: 5'3") and so obsessed with winning the College World Series that he gave up his own scholarship to try and get there. After his freshman season, Pedroia offered up his scholarship to a transfer pitcher from Winthrop that he thought gave the team a great chance to win it all. AZ State didn't get there, but Pedroia in the process became local legend a la William Wallace (6'7") to those who knew him. Hard to blame them, watching a kid who barely got a sniff from college recruiters at his California high school give up free cash to win a title. Despite his collegiate accolades, the people "in the know" in Major League Baseball still wondered if Pedroia could swing a wooden bat without looking like Woody Allen (5'5"). I think it's safe to say that's one more myth our Short stack has laid to rest.

It's tough to tell whether or not that Gun Show T-shirt he totes around is meant to be ironic, or if the chip on Pedroia's shoulder is so large, his brain has just actually stopped working properly. Is Dustin a baseball version of Hasselhoff (6'4"), oblivious to being weird, or maybe just a sly, hard working, wise cracking Houdini (5'5") with a bat?

As a representative of all those who have been overlooked in sports because I can't touch the rim or run a 4.4 forty time or throw a football 50 yards, I'm here to say I don't care if he's ironic or not. It's just nice to have a regular sized person succeeding in sports in spite of height. Hopefully, Pedroia can turn his career into a worldwide campaign to give the little guy a chance. And if any of you Hulks out there (Lou Ferrigno: 6'5") disagree, then that's a load of bull (Bull from "Night Court" was 6'8").